Get Your Likka On*

*A million thanks to my friend, Lance, who came up with the idea for this post and the title

To be sung to the tune of 'Put Your Records On' by Corrine Rae Bailey:

Three small glasses all filled with Bordeaux
And they told me I don't need to hurry
Listening to my rowdy sons
Not sweet
Little boys are sent to play in the street

Maybe sometimes, we got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seems to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate

Girl, get your likka on, turn up your favorite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Cashmere and shredded jeans, a drunken beauty queen
Just go ahead, let your hair down
You’re gonna get buzzed tonight, somehow

Don’t question why, please just let me be
Drinking gin in the bar by the roadside
(just relax, just relax)
Don’t you let those non-drinkers fool you
Let likka be your where and who

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change
Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, get your likka on, turn up your favorite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Cashmere and shredded jeans, a drunken beauty queen
Just go ahead, let your hair down
You’re gonna get buzzed tonight, somehow

Just more than I could take, boozin’ for boozin’s sake
Some nights kept me awake, God--I wish I was younger
I’m tired of being a prize, I just don’t even want to try any longer
Drink what you want to

Girl, get your likka on, turn up your favorite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Cashmere and shredded jeans, a drunken beauty queen
Just go ahead, let your hair down
You're gonna get buzzed tonight, somehow

Ode to the Day Drunk

Some think of inebriation as a nighttime thing
Though some days require an adult beverage fling
Sometimes noon time is the witching hour
A pop of the cork dismisses willpower
It is five o'clock somewhere
Says the girl who enjoys a dare
The call of an intoxicant is strong
Seductive as a siren's song
Is drinking during daylight
Some sort of defense--like fight or flight?
To the nonbelievers I implore: Try it you'll like it
Just how much would be difficult to admit
Fuck tradition
There is power in submission
Sunshine drinking
Is for the free thinking
Drinking sunshine
Is beyond divine

Bring the 'Pagne

Champagne
Hurts my brain
Even bottles that are mad expensive
Put my blood cells on the defensive
It doesn't matter if you have Cristal or Dom
Champagne does nothing but destroy my calm
The bubbles go straight to my head
In a matter of minutes, I'm dancing like a coed
The carbonation
Is the beginning of my damnation
'Pagne is deceptive
Unfortuantely, I'm always receptive
Its golden color, its tease-y taste
The way my decorum gets erased
I've paid my bubbly dues
I've sang the Veuve blues
Champagne needs to stop ringing my bell
Answering the call makes me unwell

Chardonnay

The color of liquid gold
Appealing as a centerfold
Just as forward and full bodied
Drinkable food, mind feed
A sip starts the vehicle
Promising a tipsy tickle
Manicured nails tap at the crystal stem
Waiting to invoke mayhem
The finish chills
Thrills
Is bracing
Self-effacing
Empty bottles line up like soldiers--front line
Thinking of days past, roses and wine

Grey Goose

I keep two grey goose minis at the bottom of my purse
To alleviate the dullness of the Mommy universe
Grey goose over ice
With a possible lemon slice
This drink owns authenticity
Is genius in its simplicity
To the casual observer my choice looks benign
Like I'm drinking water that makes me feel divine
No matter where I'm headed
You can bet I won't be clearheaded
Cub scouts, the movies or a play date
The minis are with me, my advocate
I don't need complicated mixers or suspicious tools
Just the vodka, ice, and a healthy dose of cool

Nyquil

When I'm sick I don't mess around
The best remedy is simple, not at all profound
A bottle of Nyquil is all it takes
To kick my sick and get rid of the ache
It doesn't hurt that Nyquil tastes like Jager
I can get it down with nary a wager
Once taken, my world turns psychedelic
And worthy of it's own groovy biopic
The syrup makes me feel invincible
Like I could hunt down dinner and shoot to kill
Why is Nyquil available over the counter?
It's just a matter of time before my side effect encounter
Nyquil should be kept under lock and key
If not for you, then at least for me

Jager Bombs

A shot that does more than get you drunk
Jager Bombs step up and get you crunk
Throw one, two or three back
This girl suddenly is beyond wack
Packing mack
In a Chanel sack
Like an instant replay, I see me doing shots
My game exploding like a hellified gunshot
Slo mo, fast forward--it doesn't matter
At any speed, my sobriety is shattered
Was that me talking about the East Side?
And places where heaven and hell collide?
Though I'm not really a liquor connoisseur
These shots bring out my inner provocateur
Jager bomb champion
Must be stamped on my forehead in neon
"Throw it back!" A strange man shouts
Then my brother shows up and my fun is out

Buzzkill

A buzzkill happens more often than not
Late at night when you're feeling bloodshot
A stupid girl who talks incessantly
About her relatives in Tennessee
An inconsolable toddler
With a babysitting amateur
These are a couple things that murder my buzzy
Leaving me far less than warm and fuzzy
A buzz is fleeting and easily killed
Just like new shoes are easily billed
People, protect your good times with vigilance
Memories are not made without diligence

Red Wine

Even though I kind of live in a bubble
Red wine still manages to get me into trouble
Just a few sips of a ruby cabernet
Has me showing strangers my lingerie
I don't know why red wine affects me like this
When white wine is nothing more than a gentle kiss
Chardonnay and sauvignon blanc are more friend than foe
While any red wine rocks me into full blown stereo
Pinot noir and merlot make me lose all control
Committing crimes and looking for a loophole
Though my actions are tragic-al
Red wine will always be magical
True, the red grape might put me on my ass
But believe me, there is truth in the bottom of every glass
Maybe I really am an insane type of lass
A glass of red wine bumps my game from coach to first class

Strange Brew

I used to brew my own beer
I drank it, too...let's make things clear
I'd rock some fat diamonds while I stirred my potion
That a homebrewer needs to look rough is an outdated notion
My dreams were about specific gravity and fermentation
Hours were lost thinking about condensation and evaporation
Bottling and capping was no big deal
My beer was so heavy--it was more like a meal
I brewed brown ale, stout and a kick-ass bock
When I finished a batch, my neighbors would knock
We'd hang out and sample all my hard work
Laughing too loud while haters would lurk
In an ideal world, girly girls wouldn't brew
But our planet's not perfect...so what could I do?

Cough Syrup

This isn't a drink you'd order at a bar
If you want to get your drunk on, though, it will take you far
I took it because I had a barky kind of cough
One teaspoon later and I was taking off
I'm not kidding--my body seemed to accelerate
I felt jet-propelled and my synapses seemed to fire late
My head felt spinny
My mouth tasted tinny
I prayed that I had actually taken cough syrup
And not some kind of hallucinogenic
I was talking to people that no one else could see
I applied cosmetics because it's all about me
I fell asleep laughing and when I came to
My psyche laughed back and softly whispered boo...

White Wine Ho

Her husband says she's sinking
And that he's worried about her drinking
She laughs and winks and opens some wine
She thanks God for the glorious grape vine
She loves to swirl her glass and take little sips
Kind of like a swimmer takes little dips
Before long she'll be floating in her buttery drink
Before long she'll be heading out in a coat that's mink
She doesn't like crack but she's a white wine ho
She doesn't want meth, she's got places to go
Her husband called her a chardonnay freak
She'd do anything for a bottle that wasn't weak
She didn't need to leave her hood to find her fix
She just checked out the wine rack to get her kicks
Cakebread, Coppola and Grgich Hills
For her, if there was a way--there was a will
Dinner would burn and her kids would fight
After two sips, she knew it would be all right
In her cashmere sweater and shredded jeans
This girl could care less about the coffee bean
Give her some cool, crisp vino
And she was way beyond fino
Liquor wasn't her style
But she would walk ten miles
And all day
For a bottle of tasty chardonnay

Anatomy of a Hangover

When our girl wakes up after a night of drinking

She can't help but exclaim, "What was I thinking?!"

Visions of the previous night unfold like a horror flick

Her head feels like a soccer ball, surviving kick after kick

She shakes her head gently to measure the ache

Being an it girl is more than her body can take

Our girl checks for ten intact digits and proper length of hair

Her last memory is of playing an extreme game of truth or dare

Her stomach churns--even her blood cells seem mad

Why must she pay this price whenever a good time is had?

Questions race through her mind at a painful speed

This is a cautionary tale, readers--please, take heed

Did she really dance on the bar?

Was that her leaning out of the window of his car?

Respect the hangover and everything it says

Waking up clear headed can only mean better days

Drunken Dreams

Too many libations

Turn my dreams into sensations

School busses collide with giant toothbrushes

I see fountains from which mac and cheese rushes

Whether it's Chardonnay or Beefeater, rocks...

Drunken dreams knock off my socks

I wake up shivering and smiling at the same time

Should drinking and dreaming be considered a crime?

Booze helps give my dreams voice

Sobriety or inebriation--it really isn't a choice

I love the movies that play in my mind

I watch them once, then press rewind

Tequila

Tequila is not just for drunk girls on spring break

It's actually one of my favorite shots to take

I like the color--kind of like amber

And it works quickly, which is great, because I'm not really a gambler

I'd rather throw two back than nurse several beers

Just like I'd rather ignore, not embrace, my many fears

I love its slow burn and what it does to my mind

The wheels start turning with an excruciating grind

Tequila is the liquor that makes me sit up straight

Helps me organize my thoughts and tempt my fate

A little glass, a little salt and a tangy green lime

If you've got tequila, I've got the time